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A FOREIGN OFFICE INVESTIGATION

CASE NOTES

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ANDREW BAKER

GOVERNOR OF THE BRITISH VETERAN ISLANDS

Written, submitted and registered by

ANDREW BATTY

The information herein is to be stored in a safe and secure government vault, and not to be released publicly for at least thirty years from the date of submission

DATE 1 JANUARY 1992

FREEDOM OF DISINFORMATION REQUEST

We hereby request the release of the following documents:

CASE NOTE PERTAINING TO THE DISAPPEARANCE OF:

ANDREW BAKER, GOVERNOR OF THE VETERAN ISLANDS

PERMISSION GRANTED

This is the almost feasible story of how Andrew Baker became governor of the British Veteran Islands. It explains how he came to write a best-selling novel, and what happened on that fateful day in September 1990 when he disappeared without trace. The case notes below would have been taken from the official Foreign Office Investigation if one had taken place, and obtained through a freedom of disinformation request. They perfectly portray how an innocent individual found themselves caught up in events way beyond their control. As with any mendacious account, all facts have been rigorously avoided, and no stone has been turned in pursuit of the truth

ANDREW BATTY

A FOREIGN OFFICE INVESTIGATION

THE CASE OF:

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ANDREW BAKER

GOVERNOR OF THE BRITISH VETERAN ISLANDS

CASE NOTE: 1 DATE: 11 JUNE 1990

THE INTERVIEW

Background Briefing

Andrew Baker and his entourage have disappeared. That much is well known. Less known is how he became Governor of the British Veteran Islands and how he came to write a best-selling novel. These case notes provide the answer

Case Note1: The Interview

Andrew Baker became Governor by a combination of mistaken application and mistaken identity. He had applied for the job assuming a governor was simply a male governess, and that he would be teaching the offspring of some wealthy aristocrat. He was not well trained for such a role, and even less well trained for the administration of a small number of ragtag islands in the middle of the pacific. Due to a mix up with the CVs, the interview panel had pictured someone very different. It was his ordinariness that made him stand out and got him the job. That and the impending invasion by Oiks, the inhabitants of a slightly larger set of islands to the East. British Nationals were fleeing the island like rats from a sinking ship, leaving a suitable vacancy for an aspiring young official.

The interview was held in London, as one would expect for a Brisih Protectorate, and was attended by the island's official recorder of events. Following the disappearance of the First and Second Recorder, it was left to the Third Recorder, to fulfil this duty. Like the third recorder in school orchestra, the assumption is their contribution will never be heard. That is the reason his peculiar style of recording events in rhyme had been tolerated without concern. Now, unfortunately, they are the only official record of events. The interview went something like this:

'Your CV says Cambridge but you're not from there,

You don't strut around with your nose in the air.

No pocket square, blazer, crane or cravat

Leather soled shoes, bow tie or top hat.

You don't speak Hebrew, Latin and Greek

You might just fit in, you might last a week.

You're not, after all, stuck up and square.

Cambridge? No! You're not from there.

Your CV says Eton, your arrival says not.

Where is the limo or five storey yacht.

You've no-one in tow to check what you signed,

To clean up your mess, and wipe your behind.

Your daddy's not slipped me a few hundred quid,

To forget that terrible thing that you did.

Your coat is not made of foie gras and truffle,

You can't be from Eton, you're wearing a duffel.

Young Conservative ay? Now don't take the Mick!

You're not drunk as a skunk, or smelling of sick.

You don't have a tattoo of our gracious queen,

Unless it is hidden somewhere obscene.

You're not waving a flag like a four-year old,

Or spouting a slogan like 'Take back control.'

You don't want Maggie dipped in preservative.

It's clear you are not, a young conservative.

I've made my assessment, consider this formal,

You are not at all weird, in fact you're quite normal.

You're presentation has been most enjoyable.

Goodness gracious, you're almost employable.

We're all in agreement, I'd just like to say,

Welcome aboard, you're starting today.

'Thanks for the offer, it's all very kind,

Just one little query, if you don't mind.

Regards my C.V. I think I've detected,

I am not entirely what you expected.

Can you say, 'cos I may just have missed it,

What was the reason I was shortlisted.'

'We're desperate!'

'So why choose from Cambridge, Eton and the rest?'

'My dear boy, we only interview the best.

Now can you confirm, you're C.V. is true?'

'Oh yes! Absolutely! Would I lie to you?'